The Diary Kinetic

Notes to Nowhere.

The simple truth is that I cannot. To further examine this is rather clear; I lack the will. I no longer believe. And yet I have not the good sense to stop. I have created something from myself and now it no longer gleams for me. My resolve has waned and now I lack vision, I lack scope and I lack that little something that made that which I may very well have only believed myself to be but never was. It is not easy to be so dismissive of the things that I have done but it seems fitting. And so the question remains, where do I go from here?

I sat on the edge of the steps in front of my house late in the evening, or early in the morning, so early, in fact, that the shroud of night was being washed away by the breaking of day, and I sat, I sat listening to the gentle push of the wind in the leaves, taking small breaths and shuddering at that familiar scent. It permeated through my mind and my body and all that I have. Sickly sweet and ever so seductive, that scent. It stays with me, hours, days after it should pass. I resist the urge to chase it. For I know that the act of chasing that which cannot be caught yet surrounds us all, is a part of the self, as the individual, as of all things, I know where that leads. I know what it means. I have seen things no other person will have ever laid eyes upon and found meaning, and although it means nothing to any other, it meant – something.

Now I sit here, pounding the confounded keys, chasing the sound of my own voice once more. Only now I feel no need to deflect. Perhaps even that is not true but it feels as such. I sit here and I light hand rolled cigarette after cigarette until the tepid smoke hangs heavily in the room with a weight that is agreeable. My beard has grown thick over the past few days and my body is racked with stiffness from lack of adequate whimsy. As I draw the death in my lungs I feel at ease and a return of the unrest. I feel a quiet agitation, a silent hate, I whisper of aggression that is seeping into my thoughts and bringing with it calm amid the chaos. I know too, where this leads.

Shackles, chains and restraints, they are everywhere, telling you what you cannot do and what your limitations are. And they are none viler, more wretched than the ones that you hang upon yourself. They are awful for the reason that they are almost always – self-imposed. It is enough to make one cry out in the middle of the street while traffic swells around you. It is enough to break something cherished against something cherished all the more. No, the mind is meant to wander, to be free, and to discover or destroy.

And peace, and serenity, and life, it is in the breath, it is the breath. It will find you in a moment. And you will feel a part of something, you will feel whole, complete and it will all fade into a glorious nothing, a beautiful void, and you will be saved.

This agitation, this unease, and this eagerness to go on; where does it come from and why does it consume me? It will be the death of me or it will be my salvation. And my hands are steady even as they shake. It is so seductive, it is so cathartic, and it is a drug above all drugs. Even the drugs which I take to soothe my nerves and render me catatonic or the drugs which bathe me in my dear darkness, they all pale in comparison to that rush which only comes in moments, in seconds before impact, or in gasps before orgasm. It says stand tall, be heard, burn out and fade away, take nothing with you, and keep it all pierced through the heart and not close to it.

Change is inevitable; whether you are standing still or shivering with inadequacy. Even the Earth itself is reflective of this. The soil is shifting, the oceans are swelling and shrinking and everything is moving, shifting and changing. We all return to that which birthed us. And ashes to ashes and must to must keep moving and so on and so forth until you draw your last breath, until your heart stops beating, and finally, until you are complete, until you are whole and at peace, until you are peace, but never, never ever, will you be at rest, you will, you are, and will always be – kinetic.

But what does it mean? What it means it rather simple; it means whatever you need it to mean and it means nothing at all.

Carry On.

Some things in this life feel right. You would never know it but if you are able to be open with yourself, to be vulnerable, or to be empowered, these moments will find you, they will sustain you through the darkness, they will keep you satiated when you are weak, and, they will be the moments in your life that will be life, they will be fleeting and they will be eternal, if you learn one thing about life, let it be this – your life will find you in the end.

The other day could not be more peaceful. For the first time since the previous spring I walked about the grass in my bare feet. Only this time, I was not alone. This time I had someone with me. Someone that has become rather dear to me and this certain someone I kept close to my heart. The weather was a little cool but inviting. I could catch the scent of the buds of the wild flowers and of the trees while we stepped about softly over the grass. The birds were chirping and it was a very lovely moment. Even as the sun set and light poured through the needles of the pine it was beautiful. I watched the world through the eyes of another, through the eyes of my nephew, and it reminded me that the world can be an astonishing thing. It is difficult to explain but somehow I knew by only a glance that everything must be investigated and – experienced. So, with that in mind, I took great care to show my loved one how the bark on an elm tree felt, how the leaves of a birch tree looked and how the birds flew with the deft grace of an elegant creature. For me, and perhaps for him, this was his first experience being a part of this world and not above it. 

Depression, I am riddled with it. I am erratic and difficult to anticipate. Strange is my design. For all the beauty that I can be witness to I can also fall into the depths of my own mind and trapped amid my thoughts. For the past few months I was terribly defeated. As this was going on I was being medicated and diagnosed and still reeling from my addictions. I am not without my weaknesses. My life has been rife with tragedy and hardships and they have partially shaped the man I have become, but, I am learning how to live my life without the things that I still have yet to let go of. Why I bring this up at all is simple, the ebbs and flows of life are not meant to be understood, they are meant to be lived, and we are meant to live our lives.

The days have been long. And I have been rebuilding myself. It has not been quite as easy as I remember it to have been. I am getting older. In time I will be unable to do the things I once was able to. But that day is far from here. Tonight, with all the day’s chores out the way, I came home and I made a meal for my lovely nieces and tidied this little home of ours. They are growing up so fast. It seems as if it were only yesterday when I would carry them both from here to there and anywhere in between. Now they are already well on their way to becoming young women. I marvel at how they are becoming individuals. It baffles me and yet I can see the causes and effects of the world they know shaping them, informing them of the people they are and the people they will be. The lives we lead are visible if we take the time to see them, and they can be breathtaking in their size and their depths.

It was raining earlier. The drops of rain were cold to the touch. Thick drops of a heavy rain were falling and the only sound that mattered was the laughs of two little girls. As reckless and haphazard as it was, I decided tonight would be a good time to teach them how to operate an automobile. Now, this might seem idiotic to anyone else but it seemed perfectly reasonable to me. The roads were empty and I was right beside each of them as the vehicle crawled down the road. It made me think of how much glee I took in such things when I was their age. My father had taught me how to drive when I was too young to see over the steering wheel. This, in turn, lead to me borrowing vehicles without consent in the future but surely history will not repeat itself. No, my girls are different now than I was then. The cabin of the automobile was filled with laughter as we slowly lumbered and lurched on through the night.

I am growing older. I know this. In time I will be an old man. I will be at the end of my days and in time I will be forgotten and yet I will live on. There is such a simple symmetry to life on this earth. It is profound how something so simple can be so infinitely complex. All things of this earth come from this earth and return to it. Nothing ever lasts and yet it does. I will die one day, but not yet. No, because I will let the life find me, if only for a moment for that is what life is, a moment.